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V/A: Deathgasm Records

28/04/11 || cadenz

Since I’m writing a review of a compilation album showcasing apparently the entire roster of the fabulously named label Deathgasm Records, I have to ask you: when was the last time you had sex? No kiddin’, right now? You’re fappin’ away, readin’ the freakin’ Global D? Well, it’s about time you got your shit together. During the course of this review, my mission is to exalt your mind and body to the point where ends meet, where black turns to white, where life ends and the eternal torment that is Purgatory begins. And that moment shall be called your deathgasm. Very logical, isn’t it. And since I brought in some feeble ecclesiastical terms, I might as well rate the individual efforts using the infamous Questions and Answers Concerning the Life of Jesus Scale (QACLJS). Never heard of it? Nevermind. You’ll see. And here we go…

Nominon “Worship”. Well. We start off by pounding the shit out of everything with heavy-ass death. How awesome is that on a scale from ruptured anus to severed penis? That’s right. Maximum. Monstrous growling and heavy riffage coupled with a great production – if this is an indication of quality for the rest of the album, I’m the happiest dick alive.
Q: What was the most lethal weapon of mass destruction during Jesus’ lifetime?
A: Our Messiah’s bowels. Every time he farted, 8 apostles died. Some of the Holy Gas was conserved in a jar, which broke during the Middle Ages and mutated into the Yersinia pestis.

Blaspherian “Desecration Eternal”. Yeeeah. Incomprehensible gutturalities and average death bashing with lots of tempo changes, presented in a muddy production frame. I’ve seen better.
Q: On an average day, how many goats did Jesus perform fellatio on?
A: 1778452333. And 5 on Wednesdays.

Diabolic “Venomous Habitations”. Sometimes you’re in a hurry. Like when you’re playing drums in the band with the world’s most innovative moniker. Or when you’re playing any other fucken instrument in the outfit. An adequate adrenaline burst with some punkish riffing and insane solos. But alas, one-dimensional is a key-word here.
Q: How come Jesus was an idiot?
A: It’s all in the genes. For example; his dad worked 6 days and rested one. He’s omnipotent, why the fuck did he work at all?! Moron.

Abominant “The Wolves of Hate”. Very interesting. The vocalist unleashes massive death barks from Hell, but the music is pure 90’s Norwegian black metal. At least it was, for the first two minutes, now there’s some Morbid Angel palm muting going on. Schizo-schizo, but very enjoyable. Abominant shall be checked out in full.
Q: How did Jesus die?
A: He 8 himself. (Sorry, that’s just awesomely bad, but I laughed so there it is.)

Avenger “Ritual of Wrath”. Deathgasm seems more and more like a really high-quality label, as five songs in, no duds have emerged. Like many other bands on this disc, Avenger have mixed black and death metal. And done it well. A punkish in-your-face attitude is coupled with both icy tremolos and massive choruses with double kicks.
Q: Of the 7 deadly sins, which led to Jesus’ fall?
A: Gluttony, duh?! Already told you.

Infinitum Obscure “Seeding Darkness”. Thrash metal riffs blasted out in a furious tempo, accompanied by double kicks and raw shrieking. A sweet Satyricon-esque breakdown in the middle of the song is the highlight of the track, otherwise I’m not moved much. Destruction fans with an incline towards black metal should check this out.
Q: “If any man is in Christ, he is in a new world.” (2 Cor 5:17) What the fuck does that mean?
A: Yo dawg we herd u like men so we put 5 inside u so you’re gay.

Azarath “I Hate Your Kind”. Savage death metal with a dark tint to the atmosphere. Lots of amazing drumming, courtesy of Inferno. Though Azarath don’t quite approach Behemoth, they’re a quality orchestra and belong in the upper echelon of Polish death metal.
Q: Penis girth?
A: 7.5 in.

The New Plague “Diary of a Misanthrope”. Ohhh, nice!! Technical/progressive death metal that don’t sound like a Pro Tools product. Blast beats, raw production, aggressive barking vocals; sounds like “Altars of Madness”-era MA with some cool and odd prog stuff thrown in. Best track thus far, and that’s saying a lot!
Q: Length?
A: 8.5 in.

Quinta Essentia “Absent Illumination (The Transgressor)”. Semi-melodic, semi-progressive avantgardish death/black with a bassist who seems to suffer from Tourettes; he can’t stand still on a note one fucken second. Good thing he does cool things. Amazing musicians otherwise as well. QE still have some steps to take before they’re on the same level with < c o d e >, but they’re sure heading in the right direction. Horrible snare sound, though.
Q: Man Jesus was hung! Did he use a penis pump?
A: No, he used 7. Repeatedly.

Pessimist “Mensa Rea (With Evil Intent)”. Ungh, this drummer could really use a metronome. Feels like running in quicksand when fast parts kick in. Pessimist bring straight-up death metal – no less, no more. I’m guessing Deicide has been spun at these guys’ houses. A cool middle part with some backbeat chinas and tortured shrieks lead to a redundant guitar solo and that’s about it for this track.
Q: Repeatedly? Does that help?
A: Well, no. I lied about the pump. Actually, Jesus cut off the fart-killed apostles’ cocks and sewed them onto his own pecker, thus increasing the length by 5% each time. The Lord giveth (gas) and the Lord taketh (cocks).

Occidens “Wrath of Blasphemy”. The blast of Satan greets us – no mercy for the Christians! A massive fucken assault on all things holy. Black metal is the name of the game, with start-stop adrenaline bursts closely reminiscent of 80’s speed/thrash metal. The level of uncompromise is pretty fucken convincing, and the track length of 2:39 is pretty perfect. Cool stuff.
Q: OK, I’m tired of penises. Why don’t you explain to me how Jesus could make a blind man see again?
A: Ah, an easy one. He sat beside the poor sightless bastard, pulled out his iPad 7.5 (Christmas present from Michael J. Fox) and said: “Let’s watch Eva Mendes do Angelina Jolie, shall we?”

Kult Ofenzivy “Song Four”. Lo-fi black metal with Laibach-esque snarling/croaking/burping in a low bass register. The simple, monotonous riffing and drumming reminds me of Von, though I like KO better. The vocals really give a sinister and unique feel to this piece, and I’m really curious to hear what their other songs sound like. Another band from this compilation to be checked out, seems like this sampler is really doing its job well!
Q: Why is Jesus gay?
A: ‘Cause he got 7 homosexuals grinding his ass at night.

Manticore “Unveiling the Ascension”. Mindless death/black/thrash bashing with one of the coolest bass sounds this side of Motörhead. The vocalist’s Satyr-like hate-filled snarling is ace, but the guttural burping and pig squeals sound like shit. I don’t remember a single riff from the song, and it is still playing so I think I’m safe to say that the song-writing isn’t up to par. In fact, apart from the vocalist this song sucks goat balls. First one on the disc. Thirteen songs in. It’s a sign. Of penis.
Q: No more penises? Please?
A: OK. Only 3.

Nominon “Life Extinct”. The only band to be featured twice, Nominon don’t drop the ball but they don’t quite reach the end zone either. Adorned with a rawer (in a bad way) production, I’m guessing this song is from an earlier album. The riffs are still convincing and absolutely above average, but I don’t get the same “Fuck yessss!!” feeling the opening track on Deathgasm’s Best Of provided.
Q: When Nietzsche wrote “God is dead”, did he mean Jesus?
A: Who cares, he’s dead! Also, apparently for no reason: 6.5

Nex “Rejection’s Glory”. The first band with clean (though raspy and snarly) vocals, Nex delve into the depths ov doom (alliteration ftw!), landing in a cave somewhere between Candlemass and Reverend Bizarre. A melodious middle part soothes the ears after the more oppressive first half, and an up-tempo thrash riff brings the somewhat disjointed song to an end. Some more honing could have made this a real gem.
Q: Are you running out of Jesus jokes?
A: No, hear this: how was Jesus conceived? St. Mary the “Virgin” had a massive gangbang with the three wise men, coincidentally about 7 plus 2 months before our hero was born. True story. And smooth fucken joke.

Avulsion “Nomadic Hordes of Pestilence”. Low, manly growls. Forgettable death riffing with a shitty guitar sound. Fast double kicks. Weird d-beats/oriental rhythms and the song is done. Didn’t end well, this. Fuck you, Deathgasm!
Q: What would Jesus do?
A: Suck goat balls for 3.5 millennia after his death, only to emerge again to suck even more goat balls. The meaning of life. Goat balls.

And finally it’s over. If you’ve read this far, you must really be one life short of a life. For real. Anyway, what have we learned? Apart from the fantastic adventures of Jeebus the Gay, we now know that Deathgasm Records releases quality material, mostly death and black metal. Check out The New Plague, Nominon, Abominant and Azarath. Eat a lot of penises, they’re nutritious and taste good. Crotch overload has been reached about five thousand paragraphs ago, so here’s the average score:

6,5

Information
Released: 2011
Label: Deathgasm Records
Website: www.deathgasm.com
Band
Motherfucking musicians: motherfucking instruments
Jesus: penises

Tracklist
01. Nominon – Worship
02. Blaspherian – Desecration Eternal
03. Diabolic – Venomous Habitations
04. Abominant – The Wolves of Hate
05. Avenger – Ritual of Wrath
06. Infinitum Obscure – Seeding Darkness
07. Azarath – I Hate Your Kind
08. The New Plague – Diary of a Misanthrope
09. Quinta Essentia – Absent Illumination (The Transgressor)
10. Pessimist – Mensa Rea (With Evil Intent)
11. Occidens – Wrath of Blasphemy
12. Kult Ofenzivy – Song Four
13. Manticore – Unveiling the Ascension
14. Nominon – Life Extinct
15. Nex – Rejection’s Glory
16. Avulsion – Nomadic Hordes of Pestilence

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